There are flakes of scab gathering around my feet and they continue to fall. The amputation site is trying to make sense of itself, and doing so too slowly. The wound itches as it heals, and I keep scratching it, chipping off bits of the new scab as it forms and prolonging the process. I wish for the strength to first keep still and then to walk forward, and can only assume that this is the course to it being granted.
It did hurt that he didn't call me today after he said he would. But it would hurt anyway.
This entire, uh, experience, has so many layers that hurt and contain things I need to learn to get over. There's of course Boyfriend Figure, and the pain is shaped like him most of the time, though whether it's actually him is debatable. That relationship was unhealthy in ways that I will only replicate if I don't gain the strength to prevent it. I obviously was and still am emotionally dependent on him. Not able to love myself I loved him instead, and made him the center of my world rather than a person. How to I learn to take care of myself, to love myself? Hopefully I can do it here, or at least soon. Because I don't want to go through this again. Or any of “that”. Much of that relationship was painful, and it did get good. But the painful points in that should have been avoided through the application of Personal Strength,
Similar themes in the fact that I live away from the hometown for the first time, and feel like I can't go back. Those feelings come largely from knowing that Boyfriend Figure is there and that I won't be able to return to that relationship, not now, for various reasons (because he's most likely moved on, because it would place a lot of stress on the relationship itself, and because I probably shouldn't go back to that or any relationship until I've found the Stronger Place just alluded to). But also because if there's anything to be gained from being here, it's that it got me out of my hometown, because I don't want to get stuck there. And I was stuck there; I had to be pried away from it, and I'm obviously still reeling from that process. I don't want to go back until I've gained this “strength” I keep talking about, because as I said I don't want to get stuck. I only want to go back when I know I'll be able to get out again.
I just wish this wasn't so tied up in Guy. As of today his hat no longer smells like him at all.
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